Kya Main Edward Cullen banna chahta hun?

Twilight: The Real Shit

Today, I was going through my daily three pages of www.fmylife.com [Do check it out] when I found this :

"Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy of her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FMyLife"

Hence, to solve the mystery that is Twilight, to every non-believer, too-lazy-to-read, Edward-Cullen-my-ass-sceptic, I decided to watch the movie. And I have *I think* successfully decoded what chicks totally dig.

The movie synopsis goes something like this.

Bella is this girl who moves to a new neighbourhood to live with her dad. She goes to a new school, where everyone, including 2 girls seem to have the hots for her. On her first day of Biology class, she gets this guy in her class [Edward Cullen] as her partner.[Surprise, surprise] He sees her, gets totally freaked, and leaves the class. She doesn't see him the next few days. Then, after a few days she sees him again and they hit off their conversationings and everything. He gets really moody the next few days. Bella dismisses this thinking its just his 'time of the month'.

Then he saves her from an accident, and stops a bunch of guys who wanted to do bad things with her [Hello, Bollywod] and everything and Bella's all "Whoa! My Hero!"

She then notices, how he's so strong and fast and how his hands are so cold. She finds a book, where it says guys that are strong, fast and cold are vampires. So she tells him that she knows he's a vampire. He says "So what? I lou you, byaybee." They do kissy-kissy-muah-muah and everybody lives happily ever after? Not so fast. Apparently, in the vampire clan, there are the good ones and the bad ones. Obviously, Eddy boy is good, and the bad ones find Bella very appealing. So they want to eat her. But Eddy boy is Bella's protector and shields her and kills the bad guys. Woo hoo. :|

So, during the course of the movie, I made some careful observations.
Now, all I need to do is:

1. Use Fair & Lovely everyday. No, bathe with it. Heck, breathe it and blow little Fair & Lovely bubbles in the air. [Shouldn't be too hard]
2. Learn how to climb trees really fast with somebody on my back.
3. Have totally drunken driving skills.
4. Have a swanky house, swanky car.
5. Always carry coloured contacts with me.
6. Have superhuman strength and speed. [This is the tricky one][Nothing that some steroids can't take care of.]
7. Appear in girls' bedrooms in the middle of the night climbing in through their windows. [Not creepy]
8. Be afraid of the sun.
and 9. Drink some blood once in a while.

Aur bas nau aasan steps main ban jaiye mahilla-premak[Or something along those lines.]

One at a time, girls. One at a time.

*sigh* The madness.

Kay boltos tumhi? Tumhi Science student aahe? Aii gaa!(pronounced A-ee g-uh)

Yea, so I'm a Science student.
Let me tell you, little ones, how the life of a Science student is all just one, big screw-up.

We know no fun, because we're either doing homework or attending class.

We know no love, other than carbon-carbon linkage.

We hit puberty wayy later than normal people. We're too busy studying.

By the time we're done with education, we're either blind from the blinding light of enlightenment(yeah), squint from the glare of the 8,934,721,874 kazillion pages we have to memorise, or dead, from suicide.

The only "Activity" we indulge in, is processing thoughts.

Our only affiliation with the opposite sex is if we have to copy homework and no same-sex "friend"(random guy whose face you see when you look up from the 3,594,568 formulae you HAVE to know) has done it yet(God forbid).

We derive pleasure out of completing our homework "early", so we can squeeze in the end-theme-song of Friends(the 1:30 am show) before hitting the sack.

The last time we saw anything close to a "movie" was when our Physics professor showed us Constructive and Destructive Interference patterns on his laptop.

The only 2 career options we have, are Engineering and Medicine, both stunningly charismatic and dazzlingly exciting professions.

Sometimes, we practise doing homework, just so we get the hang of it.

Our sense of humour, though mostly non-existant, consists of cheap jokes like "My name is Bond- Covalent Bond"

When we first heard of 11th standard Economics, we thought to ourselves "You have to be bullshitting me!" [Though most of us are unaware of the meaning of the phrase "bullshitting me". Yes, I'm one of the "kewl science stoodaynts."]

We believe our IQ is directly proportional to the weight of books we carry at all times.

The log book is our bible. We swear by it.

We don't know what sex is. We talk about "coitus".

Sometimes, we plan on doing all the homework for the week, but then we start off with one part of one subject, and then realise we need to spend the rest of the week doing it.

When a friend says "I had fun today", we all say[with the same frequency, amplitude and timbre], "Bullshit".

Most of us secretly think we can crack IIT.

Our only future, is a life where we play Solitaire on outdated PCs or diagnose a man who has red dots on his face with chicken-pox.

*sigh*[ence]

Go ahead, judge us. Not like we care. We're too busy.

It couldn't get pathetic-er than this, seriously. If you're confused about whether you should take Arts, Science or Commerce, don't go to a counsellor, or pick chits. In all PROBABILITY, the odds will be against you.
Take my word for it. Don't take Science.

The End.

Tip for your fingertip #1

Once you've sprinkled chilli flakes on your pizza, you might wanna consider washing your hands before itching your nose.

Grampa Abhishek's Inappropriate Bedtime story of the month - Part 2

Please ignore the part of the post in italics. It is of no consequence in your EXTREMELY consequent life. But I bet you'll read it anyway. And right now you're thinking "If he didn't want us to read it, why did he post it? He's stupid awat?"

The pressure is on me. Everyone loved that last post. Shits. What if I can't live up to their expectations? Shits. Shits. Shits. Aila. Aila. Aila. What if my follow-up to the last part turns out to be a total disaster? What if Happy and Couple are actual people leading actual lives? My story is tearing them apart. I feel like "Gossip Girl". No wait, I feel like "Gossip boy". Okay, maybe Gossip Girl was fine. =|

Last time, as we left off, Happy was secretly in love with Twinkle and Couple was secretly in love with Cuddles. Lets take our characters' thoughts on the story so far. Now, we dive right in to the confusion and the madness through the eyes of Cuddles, the neighbourhood Bitch.

Cuddles: "I don't like it when people call me a bitch. I'm more of a sophisticated she-dog, you know. And what is with all these link ups with these humans? I have no idea who Couple is. Hah. Couple. What a thoroughly disgusting name. If I was him, I would totally have committed suicide by now."

Happy: "Who the f*** is Twinkle man? And whats with all the gay photos? Shit, you're mentally retarded awat? What the hell man? And HAPPY!? Really?"

Couple: "What sexod writing, babes. What sexod writing. I hope Cuddles is reading. It'll make my job easier. Shit. What? Happy's reading too? Shit. Shit. Shit."

And we start off. Officially.

As complications began to arise between Happy and Couple, phone bills began to run into multiple pages[itemised billing] for everyone in the neighbourhood. They're all talking about them. The question on everybody's minds is: Will Happy and Couple keep their date on Friday the 23rd?

Tensions were running high in Couple's mind. Thoughts of Cuddles raced across his head like ponies raced across the Barbie plains. He didn't know if he should confront Happy. He didn't know what to say. He thought of possible conversation starters. "Main kutte se pyar karta hun, tujhse nahi" and "Mera dil tere liye ab ussi tarah nahi tadapta" were ruled out for being too direct and too cheesy respectively. Couple was tired. He was thinking of ways to get to Cuddles. He was ready to do anything. Even feel Cuddles' master.

Meanwhile, half an hour away, Happy was rejoicing. Twinkle was finally giving him his attention. Twinkle, his jaanu, his babes, his sab kuch, had finally started noticing him. They were seeing movies together, having sleepovers, squabbling over who would pay the bill at "Love-Da-Dhaba" and going shopping.

There was a constant itch at the back of Twinkle's throat because he knew Happy wasn't single. It tore through Happy, that he couldn't ask Twinkle out yet. As he lay in bed one night, at Twinkle's house, he thought "Maybe THIS is emotional atyachaar". A bed away, Twinkle was thinking "Somebody's feet are smelling. Shit. No more sleepovers with Happy."

The world seemed to be a nicer place. 

Cuddles, meanwhile, as she ate her Pedigree, thought of how much Couple was trying to get to her. Something not many people know about Cuddles, is that she can see/feel back into the past. She wasn't just another bitch. She was all "gyaani". She thought of her previous Buddhist life.

She thought of all the time she spent hanging out as a human. She hated the bitch-body she was in right now. She could flex so much more earlier.

As Cuddles cooked up random musings of her flexibility, the Universe was cooking up a storm. Or rather, an Earthquake. And it was headed towards her and Couple.

Couple sat on the Park Bench, thinking about how difficult it was to hide his feelings from the world. Especially Happy. Random thoughts rushed through his brain. He blushed when he thought of bathing Cuddles. He'd seen her master do it. How he would kill to be her "master". He also thought of how cute the wedding invitations would be: "Cuddles weds Couple". He loved rhyming-shyming. Just then, Cuddles walked by. The discomfort in the air was palpable. Couple blushed, his cheeks matching his red tee. Cuddles bristled uncomfortably, wondering how to tackle the situation. And if the that wasn't enough, Cuddles was suddenly thrown into the air, by the movement of a tectonic plate. It was an Earthquake.

As she hovered in mid-air, her life seemed to flash before her. Couple lost his balance and fell on the floor. He looked up and saw Cuddles. He immediately got up and with outstretched arms, caught her. She looked into his eyes. He looked into hers...

To be continued...

Stay tuned to find out the shocking revelation of:

Whether or not Cuddles develops feelings for Couple?

Why Happy can't eat when he's around Twinkle?

What the world thinks of Grampa Abhishek?

Why Cuddles' master, Mr. Farkyoo leads such a secret life?

And What happens when Cuddles' previous birth, Marcus, manifests himself into the current space-time-continuum?

All this and more, only on: Grampa Abhishek's Inappropriate Bedtime story of the month - Part 3.

Junkyard Groove - Nicer in a Minute

If I was God[yeah, I know, wishful thinking],  and Ameeth Thomas was singing to me, he would go to Heaven, no matter how many alcoholick beverages he druncked.

Junkyard Groove's new EP, Nicer in a minute was launched today at 12:00 a.m. Ameeth publicised it plenty on FaceBook, so everyone knew. Thank God he did. Nobody wants to miss out on so much talent. Nor do you. Go right now to www.reverbnation.com/junkyardgroove and download the EP.

Though "Its Okay" remains my favourite song yet, Junkyard Groove rocks us with the utterly amazing music that they're so well known for. There's that unmistakable energy in their music that makes listening to them so much fun. And the best part is, irrespective of you being a metal-head, pop fan, or a Chinese music enthusiast, you will LOVE JYG. Ameeth Thomas on Vocals, Siddarth on the Guitar and Craig on Bass somehow just make it work.

It may be Ameeth's godly vocals, or Siddharth's sexay work on the guitar, or the brilliant bass that Craig gives us.

It goes something like this. When you're listening to JYG, you HAVE to move your head. You move with the rhythm. You move with the beat. You move with the fun. Not the fun YOU'RE having, its the fun THEY'RE having.

The EP contains the following: 

Save Me
Please Don't Wake Me Up
Thank You
Let You Go
Say Goodbye

Save Me is one of those tracks that pushes you into Karaoke Overdrive mode. You can imagine yourself holding a microphone and singing it.

Please Don't Wake Me Up is a lazy song. It picks up somewhere during the 2nd verse and stays up there, aided by that unique tinge in the music that tells you to shut up and listen.

Thank You starts off with a bang. The composition is amazing. The only sad part is, its only 2 and a half minutes long. =[

Let You Go is a track that makes you wanna feel. Only, in a fun way. Which is the really cool part.

Say Goodbye is my favourite track on the EP. It was written after the terror attacks on Bombay. Its not very "FUN" or "HEPPENEEENG" but it has wonderful lyrics, a catchy tune and excellent vocals.

[Nicer in a minute has been on my playlist since 4 this afternoon. Its been looping ever since.]

Give JYG a listen. I'm sure they'd appreciate the effort.

*Shit. A lot more than 6 people have heard it* =P

Grampa Abhishek's Inappropriate Bedtime story of the month - Part 1.

I have received negative feedback for that last post. I'm really sorry to all those that I disappointed. My heartfelt warmth and cushy-cushy-ness is all yours now. Sach mein. Take it and go.
So I must tell you this story, which has been told by one generation to another, and eventually, passed on to me. Portrayed through an array of photographs.

There once lived a happy couple.

Happy:

And Couple:

On request, I shall not disclose their names.

Shankrith and Aniket were leading an *ehem* satisfying life, frolicking around meadows, playing peek-a-boo, and planning out their future married life.

Where they came from, being, boyfriend-boyfriend was not acceptable. You know, the gay-shay types. So Aniket, shit, no, Couple, decided to grow his hair, to camouflage with the female race. This wasn't very difficult for him, considering the fact that everyone thought he was excessively pansy anyway.

Proof: 

So Couple successfully completed the mammoth task of blending in for the security of his relationship. Happy was his life, his jaan, his pyaar. You know, woh sab.

But there was a slight problem.

You could call their relationship almost long-distance. They lived about 1/2 an hour away from each other, and their meetings(dates) were becoming a rare sight to see. Moreover, Happy was a Science student and Couple was a Commerce student. They used to frequently squabble about which was better, and then fight over which course their two daughters(Queeny and Rani-Laxmi) would opt for. These squabbles often got physical and led to a lot of domestic violence. It was actually more of cat-fighting, and if you looked from really far away, it would totally look like Public-Display-of-Affection.

Also, Happy had problems of his own. Of late, he had been faltering in his love for Couple. He had seen this other boy(Twinkle), who he used to meet everyday, to be way cuter than Couple. Happy felt guilty everytime he spoke to Twinkle. He felt like he was cheating on Couple.

Happy speaking to Couple (before) :

Happy after speaking to Couple (After) :

Meanwhile, Couple was having trouble himself. He couldn't resist that pretty young thang that lived Oh-so-temptingly-closeby.

Every night as he went to sleep, he did so thinking of Cuddles, not of Happy. The thoughts that he had of Cuddles brought a smile to his face as he slept. He almost squirmed with joy when he thought of his  first kiss with Cuddles. 

Who is this Cuddles, you may ask.

THIS[dramatic pause] is Cuddles:

To be continued...

Stay tuned to find out the shocking revelation of:

Who Cuddles was in his last birth!?

Who Happy still has feelings for!?

What Couple secretly feels like doing to Cuddles!?

And What happens when an Earthquake hits the area 1/2 an hour away from Happy!?

All this and more, only on: Grampa Abhishek's Inappropriate Bedtime story of the month - Part 2.

My long period of inactivity

It has actually been a long period of extended activity. I have just been too lazy to blog-shlog. Its like, Chee. Woh Abhishek ka blog kaun padhta hai?
But on request(s), I have taken this mammoth task at hand, bit it on the neck, and chewed it raw. I am bloggerman - Abhishek.

Since I'm now in college, and college-life is not nearly as exciting as I thought it would be, I started looking for recreational activity OUTSIDE of college. Namely, college festivals. And I've been adequately pleased. Yay. I've 

gone for most of them. You name it.
Malhaar - St. Xavier's (disappointment. But make sure you check out JAM)
Kaleidoscope - Sophia Girls College(fantastic campus, decent management. Again, check out JAM. If male, also check out the girls =] )
Kshitij - Mithibai (decent. Okay-shokay)
Techstorm - Ruia (Excessively lame)
Mood Indigo - IIT Bombay (omg! Awesome. You have to be there to feel it)

Anyway, not like you care.

Moving on, I'm now 11th standard boy studying for 12th standard.(Yes, I don't say 11th GRADE, thanks for noticing. I find it highly pretentious and occidental) And that kinda sucks. My Physics and Maths classes have begun, and Chemistry will begin soon. Already, my life is kinda not-so-great because of college kicking my ass for non-attendance, and then I have boredom to worry about. To top that, my free time is used by homework-doing, class-attending and planning.

Also, my home life is spent on my lovely, darling brother, Vivek. This mostly includes him pulling my leg, making fun of me, insulting me, whooping my ass, putting me down and leaving me red-faced. But thats kinda fun. I get to do it to everybody else, anyway.

I've watched a lot of movies as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm really busy. But I need to make some time for the (not so) nice movies, no? And I saw all Hindi-Shindi Bollywood flicks! =O
Some of them were:

Oye Lucky! Lucky Oye! : For some reason, this was a really nice movie to me. There's no real story, but its a real fun watch. Enjoyed myself. (There's also a cute girl at the start of the movie. Like, super-cute)

Sorry Bhai: Stupid, stupid, stupid. Chitrangda Singh is hot, and Boman Irani is his usual, impressive self. The rest is pretty sad.
PS: How the hell did Sharman Joshi get to do intimate scenes with Chitrangda and Gul Panag in "Hello"?!?

Dasvidaniya: Really neat movie. Its a little like The Bucket List, but its made unique in a very nice way.

Madagascar 2: King Julien doesn't disappoint. Though nothing compares to that first Madagascar. Must've watched that atleast a hundred times.

Dil Kabaddi: is pretty lame. It has a proper story-wory and all, but for an unknown reason I didn't like it. It just didn't do it for me. Which was sad because Rahul Bose and Konkona Sen are two of my favourite actors. =[

The Last Kiss: I am a Zach Braff fan. He is really cool. Though this movie tends to tow the "pansy" line, Zach Braff made it worthwhile. Go watch it. Also, it has Rachel Bilson. =O

Thats pretty much all there is to my sad, boring life.
Okay, no. I've been going to town (South Bombay) a lot. Roaming around aimlessly. Causeway was a hotspot. It still is, after all the shootings and terrorists and all that nonsense. Colaba Causeway is fun to go to for the simple fact that girls love going there. And I am as single as ever. Its not like I would man up and go talk to anyone of them, anyway, but its fun, just going and ogling with your friends.

Also, I've been taking a lot of photographs. Like, natural photographs. When people aren't looking, I whip out my phone and click. They don't like it too much. Mostly because its not their most aesthetic look. In my defence, its atleast a NATURAL look. They also aren't particularly happy when I post these pictures on FaceBook. God Wonly knows why.

I have also downgraded my PSP (Playstation Portable) and now its possible for me to play all the games I used to play as a kid on my PS1 (Playstation 1. You knew that already no? Shit. Genius.)

To end this marvellous, mammoth essay of a blogpost, I would like to quote an MSN personal message:
"Don't waste your youth trying to grow up"

Here's Abhishek, signing off. Stay tuned(for quite a while) for another Yexciting Yepisode of Yummy-Yubbishek. Same place, same time, probably 5-6 months later.

Wokay, tata, bye-bye.

After much contemplation over whether this post should have a photo or no, I've come to the decision that it should. Here's one. Go nuts.

At Colaba Causeway. See how I capture the essence-wessence and all.

Shit. Okay. Thats all. Hope you stay tuned for the next post. I love you, O possibly solitary reader.

Talent things of my Computer Science lecture

Of cheap puns and other things

If I work at a Titan showroom,
Would you keep a watch on me?

If I took somebody's job at a Titan showroom,
I would feel so second hand!

If a Titan showroom were to catch fire,
It would probably be extinguished just on time.

Poetry

This poetry thing,
I've got it quite figured out,
I've learned it is completely bad,
to try and rhyme out with out.
Oh shit.
I just did it.
See how well that rhymed?
Shit, now what do I rhyme with rhymed?
Maybe mimed or limed.
Wait, what the hell is limed?
This poem is not working out to be good.
Like it should.
See how I did that rhyming thing?
If I was a bird, I would have wing.
I shall now, put this poem to rest.
I think we all learned,
that Abhishek's poetry is best-est.

Class

The bell has ringed,
The bird is winged.
Teacher of Physics is sitting in class,
Counting every head of every arse.
People are talking.
Teacher starts walking.
Everyone hurriedly stops everything non-physics.
Teacher catches victim with smack of her lips.
"You boy, reading naughty magazine?"
*surprised*"Me, Miss? I am clean!"
"You liar boy! I sawed it."
*still surprised*"I didn't read any naughty shit!"
"Shit, you say? Come Principal."
"No Miss. No Miss. I am very simple."
Two boys run out while Teacher is not looking,
Everyone gasps and Teacher smells something fishy cooking.
"Who just runned out?" she asks with rage.
Her hair turning white, with anger, not age.
"Aila!" a boy screams, pointing at the door,
Another, "Shits! Its Principal! Looking all sore."
"We're all dead. Tell Mummy-daddy you love them,
Because today we die our deaths and go to Heaven."

On Killing a person

It takes quite a lot to kill somebody,
Not a simple jab of your silver dagger will do it.
No, not even your red kitchen knife.
You have to dig the knife in,
simultaneously banging the head with a pan.
For the body has grown,
with sickness and health,
with much pooing and peeing,
Excreting, secreting, discreetly creating
a whole world of bodily things and non-bodily things.
So now you know,
to kill someone, keep the tawa at hand,
Cut the wrist, stab the stomach,
bang the head, kick the groin.
Then poke the body to see if it moves.
If it does, repeat sequence no. 1.
If it doesn't, you still have much work left.
Dispose the body, clear the evidence,
Clean the kitchen, wipe the blood off the knife and tawa.
If body doesn't fit in "kachra dabba", try plastic bags.
If not, go put it in the river.
Ganga, if body was sinful.
Any river will do if body was not sinful.
Then come home, smile satisfactorily,
and drink your first glass of water.
First glass of water as a murderer.


{Disclaimer: After getting my ass kicked for not attending lectures in college, I had to start attending my lectures. And I had no clue what people did while in class. And I was REALLY bored. So I figured I would write these nice-nice poems. =]}

The Screw

One fine day, the staff at my college were sitting around, with nothing to do, the Chess boards had broken due to overplay, their fingers were sore playing carrom and staring blankly into space (believe it or not), had gotten boring.

So one of them said, "Why don't we do something that'l totally screw their lives up."

One bright one said, "Lets pick out the names of the smartest kid in the college (with all humility, me.), and send his mum a letter about how he's not attending his lectures. And just for fun lets call her for a meeting to tell her how bad her son is."

Another, "What a great idea! Lets do that."

I am a defaulter =[ I mean, I was proud and all, but then my parents found out. Not good.

My mum, apparently, is not familiar with the concept of bunking.

Mum: This letter says you don't have enough attendance. Why?

Me: Erm... You know... Er....

Mum: But you weren't sick or anything? And you didn't go out of town also? How'd you lose attendance?

Me: I was, erm, around college?

Mum(louder, shocked, angrier): WHAT!? You went till college and didn't sit for lectures!?

Me(shocked): You never bunked college Ma, in the 11th standard?!

Mum: No!

Me: WHAT!?

Mum: This is going to your father. This is definitely going to your father.

Me: Arrgh.

This really sucks. The meeting is day after tomorrow.

Finding an appropriate reason to yell at me, Mr. and Mrs. Parents yelled for almost everything.

Now,

1.I can't use my PC for a month.

2.I had shave off my gotee. =[ (Apparently, it was indecent >_>)

3.I have to attend all my lectures now.

4.Everytime I'm home, I must be studying.

Okay. This really sucks. Like, REALLY.

Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V, omg! A revelation.

I got this from here.

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.

"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."

"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

Ok

I have found, definitive proof

that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

If you aren't overcome with a sense of complete realisation, go squeeze a couple of lemons in your eye. See how that works out.

Yes, really.

The following is an excerpt from a conversation I had yesterday.

Topic of discussion: The Gujju Brain

Me: There is just one word that can describe the Gujju brain. It starts with C, ends with P and has H,E,A in the middle.
My Gujju friend: Stop confusing me! Just tell me the word na?

Yes, really.

Quantum of something

I must admit, Quantum of Solace was the first Bond flick I saw. And I saw the first day, first show, too. At 8 in the morning. And very bluntly, I was disappointed.
Bond is supposed to be great. Bond is supposed to be super, excellently fantastic. This Bond was kind of sloppy, not funny and quite surprisingly kinky.

Daniel Craig plays James Bond in this epic action movie that will fail to keep your attention for the simple reasons that the storyline is vague, not to mention mildly stupid, the camera-work is EXTREMELY shoddy, and Bond himself just seems to be perplexed at times.

The lead actress plays an unconvincing role in the movie. A pretty face is pleasurable to see at first, but when you have a pretty gross burn mark etched out on your back for everyone to see, its not as cool as before.

The movie seems to be kind of like a Tamil flick. The manner in which the hero takes down the bad guys and escapes unscathed brings back so many memories of the few Tamil movies I have watched. Heck, if the West liked this movie, they would LOVE Kollywood.

There is little more to the movie actually. It falls on almost every level.

Story: About Bond taking revenge for his dead ex-girlfriend. Kills too many people, too easily, too fast. Also, the involvement of an international trade in oil. *Really grabbed all my attention*
Action: Since all the action sequences were shot with somebody suffering from SCS(Shaky Camera Syndrome), and due to the footage being extremely edited, nobody could make out a thing about what the hell was going on.
Cast: The one decent performance in the movie was by the villain, Mathieu Amalric. And the one nice-looking girl was Gemma Arterton. Daniel Craig was pretty disappointing.
Thoughts after the movie: "Really? Bond? This big? Rajnikanth is way cooler than him. Heck, atleast he has style."

My rating : 4.8467/10

Holy cow.

I was treated to this when I woke up. =|



And then I moved the Times and breathed a sigh of relief.



Really woke me up, you know.

Golmaal Returns =| wtfax.

No, seriously. wtfax.

After watching "Golmaal Returns", I got a feeling I paid Rs. 200/- just to hear Tushar Kapoor sound and act like a gorilla, while enjoying the spastic acting of the 8 (wo)man "star" cast.
And while I was in the theatre, [mind you, this is no 20 rupees ticket - full of cheap, sidy men theatre), I was amazed at the way people ACTUALLY laughed at this bullshit.
Also, there was a startling amount of homosexuality in the movie. And those were the times the crowd laughed the hardest. I was then convinced that my theatre was full of homo/trans/lame/plain stupid/illiterate/suprisingly horny people.
I'm surprised Arshad Warsi, [whose wife is Maria Goretti(omg!)] actually agreed to do this movie. I couldn't expect better from the other people, though.
The movie pokes into a few other movies and serials, but fails to take a dig at anything significant by showcasing something decent.
The movie was not only dislikable, it was gross, lame and a waste of a lot of money. If I was the director, I would shoot myself after seeing that that piece of shit was my creation. Nobody should subject themselves to this bullshit.
Outside the theatre(since I went for first day show >.>), there were people from the news channels asking us for our views, and the uncle that they were interviewing "thought it was an amazing, absolutely fantastic movie. 8/10." And I was like, "Lemme have a go at that camera!" That uncle was probably some kind of weird woman stuck in man's body kind of guy who was a homosexual pedophile with people issues. My friends, sadly, didn't lemme have a go at the camera, they didn't think it was worth it.

My view: RIPOFF.

Profound Brain Things

After thinking profound brain things in my head today, I decided I shall blog.

New hobby: Staring blankly into the wall. I do it now, because I know I won't have time for it later. See, the thing is, I will do it even if I had work, but my parents will be on my ass telling me to study. Heck, they're doing it now.

Anyway, the profound brain things in my head told me, that I'm growing up too fast. I'm already 16 years old.
Freaking 16.

Damn. When did I get past 14, and 15!? Heck, when did I get out of 8th standard!? This is so not good. I feel too old.
I have already begun doing old-ish things, like thinking about the future and things concerning the matter. I don't want to be old. Heck, 16 is too much.

Now I know all you aunty-uncles out there will go, "What men? Why he crying so much? 16 wonly no? We are toh 40-50 and not complaining. What to do? We will toh grow old only! Stupid bachcha"
By any miracle of God, if any aunty-uncles ARE reading my blog, please don't stop reading altogether (I can't possibly lose more readers than the 2 I have). In fact, please tell your niece/daughter/daughter-in-law/grand-daughter (Yes, that pretty young thang) to read my blog.

Anyway, I don't want to old-ish things. All the things you bad people think about, I'm fine waiting awhile. As long as I can keep my youth. I want to be 16 even next year. And the year after that. See, I have nothing against old people. You're fine. You keep the balance between the generations alive. But I don't want to be some intense-research-doing, part-time-jobbing, boss-bitching, youth-envying old man. That just sucks.

I've already gone way too high on the age-scale thing. I'm going to stop growing. Yes, sir. Stop growing. I am going to do all the things that these "hep yengsters" do. I'm going to be bloody young again. I'm no uncle. I'm never going to be.

So, do your bit for the age-reversal of Abhishek Vishwanathan. Contribute generously for this.

T-H-I-S

Have an ecstatically, awesomely waaanderful day =]

And remember, take some time out to stare at the wall. You will get profound brain things in your head. Promise =]

Best-est blog ever. Seriously.

Click Me.

The lyricist in me

You-Are-my-Aaju-Baaju-Kaaju!
Yes, you. Who me? Yes, you.
My dear little aaju baaju kaaju!

My corny little cashewnut,
I can never lose you.
For you shall always be with me,
You know, Aaju-baaju.

I wanna gobble you down
I wanna show you around town,
coz babyyyy
You stay right by meeeeeeee.

You're my ABK
which rhymes with RBK
Incidentally also BBK
And CBK

Babaaaayyy
Ayy-Beee-Kayyyyy

(drumroll)
(finish)

For those of you that aren't familiar with Hindi,

Aaju-Baaju is a phrase meaning "nearby"
And Kaaju means "cashewnut"

I would like to dedicate this one to my one and only inspiration.



Bottom left. Love of my life.

Indian Rock.

No, not that one.
Gosh. Sorry about that. I thought it would be funny. I don't know what I was thinking =|

Anyway. Indian Rock music. Its nice. I like.

I have been downloading a few songs recently, and I'm so glad to see them available on the internet free to download. =]
For all those who want to download these songs, please visit:

This nice blog =]

Kudos to that guy. Like, seriously.

I'm so glad we Indian peoples also came up with all this nice-shice music. Heck, most of it is better than the international pansy stuff. Hm. I'm not really into Hard-Rock and most of the Indian bands seem to be tadpoles emerging from that genre. But I'm glad to see the likes of "Parikrama", "Dream out loud" and "Junkyard Groove".

Recommended Downloads:

Parikrama - But it Rained
Parikrama - Superhero

Junkyard Groove - Its okay
Junkyard Groove - Cover of Don't Cha. (zomg! Wow.)

Dream out loud - Last days on Earth

Indus Creed - Pretty Child

Hm.

I think this would be an appropriate post to tell you about what I would like to do in the future.

I will do a 3 year course on Audiography from FTII, work with a movie production crew, earn lots and lots of money. Then with experience and finance, will set up my own recording studio. Will then hold lots and lots of events along the lines of "Launchpad" and "I-Rock" to find new talent. I will then sign them and get them all famous and all. Hm. Pretty soon, Headlines will read "Abhishek Vishwanathan revolutionizes Indian Rock with Kick-ass Records."

Yep. Kick-ass Records.

Oh. My. God.

=]

I'm in love. Like, really.